9/26/13

Adventures in Moving to Michigan- "Fault"




Moving. I've done it before and it's never fun. Well....it can be fun setting up your stuff in a new home (especially when ya buy your FIRST home!) But this cross-country move stuff isn't for wimps. You have the whole "I am physically tired" of packing, cleaning and hauling junk to the garage to sell on Craigslist. Wondering what weirdos you are going to encounter while selling stuff on Craigslist. Then you have the experience of being"mentally" tired from thinking about all the things you have to do like find a new place to live, enroll kids in a new school, find birth certificates, figure out babysitters, car insurance, set up new utilities, budget....freak out because you are over budget....etc. etc.  Then ya have the whole EMOTIONALLY DONE part of moving.

Moving from one location to another within Southern California has been no big emotional deal like ever....because family and friends are still near by. Very near by! Moving out of state is another story. Here we are....just days away from moving to a place with no free babysitters, no family, and no familiar friends (yet). Guilt and grief has set in because this move is primarily for my benefit (and yes our obedience to God's call) to work at my "dream job."

I feel like I am not allowed to be sad. I can't cry when my mom leaves my house after the coming reality of not seeing her every week sets in. When my toddler asks over and over again for her "Sisi and PawPaw" (what we call Grandma and Grandpa) I can't shed a tear, because it's my fault she won't be seeing them very often.  I can't stress over paying more for childcare, because it's my fault we are leaving our family and friends who help out with the kids. I can't be bummed about packing up everything and selling our first home, because yeah....it's my fault, right? My kids saying goodbye to bff's and a school they adore shatters my heart, because....you guessed it...my fault.  Or so it would seem.  

Feeling like I don't have permission to be sad, because this change is "my fault." My kids of course can be sad. My husband can be sad. My mom can be sad. My next door neighbor can be sad. But not me. I need to be strong, adventurous, and ready to rock in a new ministry, new state and new home. But I am sad. I have peace and confidence and a lot of joy in the journey, but from time to time I need to lay down on my face and cry. Sometimes cry a lot.  Maybe sob so much I've got boogers running out my nose and a headache from crying too much. That kind of body convulsing cry you don't want your kids to see.  The kind requiring an entire box of Kleenex.

Cry and then laugh because change is good but it is HARD.  Truly bittersweet. A wide range of emotions to be experienced in any given day and that's ok. Normal. Healthy.  It should be hard. Moving from family and friends is a loss and every loss needs to be grieved. After all I am human.  I have feelings. So if you find your self on the cusp of a big move and finding yourself torn between feeling full of FAULT (it's your fault your family is sad) or full of faith God can heal your grief (and theirs); please choose FAITH. Faith through the tears. It will be a grand adventure to move with God, but it won't be easy. Following God isn't easy, but it's always worth it and it's no one's fault.

It's our blessing not our burden to follow a God who is Good.  A God who is with us. A God who is for us.  A God who let's us grieve a loss while living into a new and better reality of all that is unseen before us. 

We are fragile but not broken. These big life changes need to be handled with lots of bubble wrap and care. Leaving home is never easy for anyone. Fragile can be precious. Fragile usually means unseen beauty and value hidden under the cardboard and bubble wrap. Something worth holding carefully onto while in transition. While being transported to a new location. So give yourself permission to be fragile (not faulty) for awhile.  Handle with care the sacred space of grief (and you are never too old to miss your mama!)



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